I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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