Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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