Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
