You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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