I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
being pregnant is like rehab
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
