why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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