I can't breathe out the right side of my face
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
