oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
