Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
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I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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