my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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