my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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