Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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