What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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