So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
