i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
