if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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