Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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