My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
