Only a mothe r could love this liver
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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