life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
