wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
