Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
