my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Come see our sink grown plant.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
