Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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