Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
