I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
