bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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