Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
