Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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