The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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