You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
