and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
