I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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