I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
