if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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