hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
