I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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