i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
