Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
