I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
