Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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