when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
