she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
