Me. At least after what I've been through.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
