Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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