My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
