Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
