remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
