can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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