He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
