I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Alive.
So much puke
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
