There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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