Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think a kid would responsible me up
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
