You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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