I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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