You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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