I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
