I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
my liver is dry heaving
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
