I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
