So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
