Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize