More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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