Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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