She is in my trunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
