my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
